Dealing with Failure
I vividly remember seeing the large, bold text “FAIL” across my driver's test. Apparently, I did not come to a complete stop at a stop sign, which was an automatic fail. I was so devastated that I cried for three days. Not exaggerating, I was absolutely crushed. The worst part was having to go to school on Monday and everyone asking if I passed my test (even though they saw my mom dropping me off). Remember all the social pressures of just being in high school? Well toss another one onto the pile! In that moment I felt like a total FAILURE. I wanted to be the person who passed on the first try, like all my friends. This is just one of many examples where I could hear in the back of my mind “not good enough”. Perceived failure comes in many forms and never seems to lose its sting.
But that’s just the tip of the iceberg, and one that you may have skeptically chalked up to the social pressures of high school. Well I’ve got another one for you, just to entertain you or at least welcome you to my world... allow me to take you to Fastpitch Provincials (AB) in 2019. I was 30 years old at this point - so this story is probably more relatable for some of you compared to my license story if you’re a) a sports person, or b) nearing that midlife crisis at age 30. I was excited for a fun weekend of playing ball, spending a weekend in a hotel (it even had a pool) with my friends, and enjoying a team BBQ - all while getting hoodies and sweatpants from the swag tent. Textbook tournament fun. The games had been going well for us; we were having fun and making some great plays. I’m a third baseman, so the grounders come in hot! I grabbed about 90 percent of the ground balls that came my way, my throws were on point, and all was right in the world. Fast forward to the Sunday playoffs. I don’t know if it was the pressure I had put on myself or my 30 year old body was kicking in - but the baseball gods had chosen this particular day to punish me. I couldn’t make a throw to save my life. In baseball terms it’s called getting the “Yips”. I threw the ball over the first baseman’s head at least a half-dozen times, while the other team's players all rolled into home base. My coach ended up pulling me from the game and we ended up losing and were sent packing. You would have thought I lost the Olympic Gold medal from my attitude on the way home in the car. All I could think is: I failed my team. The sting of failure still hurts, and clearly doesn’t discriminate by age.
I always want to be the best and do everything. I invariably try to juggle more than I can handle and tend to go overboard with each task. Nothing seems to ever be good enough. I consistently hit the burnout stage every year right before Christmas. I can count on both hands how many times I was physically ill over christmas break, even spending a few nights in the hospital. All the burnout cycles added up, and I soon found myself in my early 30’s suffering from high cortisol levels, adrenal fatigue, slow metabolism, and mood swings. I could not complete a workout without having a migraine or wanting to throw up afterwards. Why do I tell you this? Because I don’t think I’m the only one who finds themselves wanting to do everything. I created this site for anyone who can relate. The individuals that put too much pressure on themselves, compare themselves to everyone around them, or have a mile long to-do list all while still switching out roles of parent, friend, employee, sibling, spouse, etc. Life can be so joyful if you’ll let it in. I’ve come to believe an antidote to failure is finding joy in the everyday. So how did I find joy in everyday life and get past my fear of failure?
Morning Gratitude Practice
Creating Food Freedom
Mindfully Moving My Body
Night Time Routine of Goal Setting and Journaling
Morning Gratitude Practice
Most mornings I sit down for 5 minutes with my “Grateful 5” journal (Find it Here: https://www.dropsofgratitude.ca) and my cup of broth to write out what I’m grateful for from the previous day. I find it sets me up well to handle whatever challenges come my way. Your brain only acts out what you tell it to do. If you take the beginning of the morning and get your focus set on whatever is good about your life, you’ll find it can help you to digest whatever curveballs come your way during the day.
Creating Food Freedom:
For a long time I associated my physical weight and what I put in my mouth to my value as a person. Being in the fitness industry and obtaining a Kinesiology degree ingrained in my brain that I could only teach or add value based on how my body looked. It took me a long time to overcome this. To be fully candid and honest, sometimes it still sneaks back into my mind and I have to catch it right away. If you struggle with body image or an unhealthy relationship with food, I suggest you seek professional help. It took me 2 years of bi-weekly counseling sessions to overcome my destructive habits with food. It is not a fast process, but when you get it, you no longer will feel like failure if you have that donut or feel like a winner if you eat the kale salad. You will find you are enough regardless of the food you put in your body, but you will learn to nourish it the way it needs.
Mindfully Moving My Body
Your body was made to MOVE. Moving your body creates a direct chemical reaction in your brain. Feelings of failure and sadness dissipate when you exercise your body. Yet, why don’t we do it? We know we should workout, we see the dust collecting on our exercise equipment, we see fitness instagram reels when we scroll through our phone, but it is still not enough to get us off the couch. My theory is because we don’t like the exercise we are doing. We see it as punishment. I’d much rather go play a pickup hockey game on an outdoor rink than do burpees. You need to find the type of movement for your body that it needs each day. Sometimes it is craving a 30 min high intensity workout, other times it needs an hour walk in the forest. You may not have even discovered the fitness that works for you and doesn’t feel like a chore. Start by having a plan for the day but be willing to be flexible with it. You are not a failure if you missed 2 days of your fitness program that week. Finding exercise you like will boost your mood and reduce feelings of failure. It is a win if you could only fit in 15 min of yoga while your baby naps.
Night Time Routine of Goal Setting and Journaling.
A night time routine will change your life. See my post here on ideas for a nighttime routine. According to the American Psychological Association, most North Americans are suffering from moderate to high stress, with 44 percent reporting that their stress levels have increased over the past five years. Physical health symptoms are often directly associated with stress, and can include headaches, stomach aches, and trouble falling or staying asleep. You need time to take care of yourself. Perceived failure is one of these emotions that needs to be processed. Do you ever get to the end of the day and focus on what you didn’t accomplish? I hear this alot from moms that say they did nothing all day besides play, nap, and feed their kid. They focus on what they didn’t do instead of what they did accomplish (even if it was just brushing your teeth). This is why journaling these thoughts and feelings helps you “get it out of your head”. The 5-minute journal or G- (gratitude) L- (learned) A- (accomplished) D- (delight) practice is a great exercise to remind yourself that you are awesome! You will feel lighter and get a good sleep to tackle the next day.
I hope this post gave you a few ideas to handle how you frame perceived failure. Remind yourself that whatever gets done in a day, you are enough.
"You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it." — Maya Angelou
